Confidence

Confidence in this world can be a difficult thing to maintain. This morning I ran in an obstacle race of sorts, complete with mud, rain, and laughter. I had a fantastic partner—my brother. We worked as a team over the obstacles and created a day of memories that will last a lifetime. I was lucky. About midway through the race we ran past a young woman running with what looked like her father. It could have been a friend, a boyfriend, maybe even a brother, but that’s totally irrelevant. What he was yelling at her is what’s important and equally infuriating. I don’t care who you think you are—no one has the authority to berate someone so cruelly. As the young woman struggled to claw her way up the muddy hill, her partner proceeded to shout obscenities at her, telling her how fat and useless she was. I could practically see the woman’s self-respect and confidence erode in time with the muddy course around us. I wanted to say something, and in hindsight I probably should have…he wouldn’t have been able to catch me anyways. But, instead I am choosing to write about the issue of maintaining self-confidence here, no matter what.

I know many people struggle with this, men and women both. Probably many more than would voluntarily admit to it, and that’s fine. But after struggling so long and hard with confidence issues and the depression that often follows, I really hate to see other people settle for less peace than they deserve. If only one person reads this and what I can share helps only him or her, then I’ll be happy. I’m not really interested in standing on a soap box and preaching. In fact, I’m pretty sure I would fall off. I am purely aiming to empower. Listen or don’t. Read on or close the tab. Whatever you choose, at least I got you thinking.

Like many young women, I used to fear what people thought about me. Constantly. I can remember how other people’s reactions to what I said, did, or didn’t do would color my day. I can remember how one criticism would steal the gratification of one-hundred compliments. It was a horrible, nonsensical way to live. Every moment, my moments, were being lived at the whim of others. I look back now and can’t understand why on earth I felt so enslaved to the opinions of people I hardly knew. Was I so insecure? Absolutely. To cope, I created my whole high school identity out of achievements. Perfection was my mask. The highest grade on a calculus exam, the MVP of the track team, the first-chair oboist in the Wind Ensemble. Anything I could do to experience a fleeting moment of happiness and a flash of confidence was fair game. But for what? I was so unhappy. And I wasn’t myself.

All the accomplishments in the world could never give me what I really needed. Self-confidence.  Unfortunately, this habit of mine followed me into college and now as a graduate I am just starting to reconcile the problem. To some extent I still struggle with this a bit, but for the most part I’ve grown so much stronger. I am blessed to be surrounded by many confident women and surely that has helped me quite a bit, but I think the most impactful lesson came from my own realization that I can choose to live my life within my own perception. Isn’t it true that what we experience and how we feel is a product of how we interpret situations or choose to react to what’s happening all around us?

 I don’t care if the people I call my best friends don’t call me the same. My experience and my love of the friendship makes it different for me. So what? I don’t care if people don’t like the fact that 99% of the time I would rather lose myself in a book than lose my hearing at a club. I’m naturally reserved. So what? I don’t care that some people consider me weird for openly and constantly telling the people I care about how much they mean to me. I like to make people feel special. So what? It’s no secret. There’s no reason to hide. It’s just me. And no words have the power to tear me down.  I don’t have to ride the rollercoaster of other people’s beliefs and concerns about me. The ride of my life only has room for friends and family, and there’s just one driver’s seat. Accept yourself. Don’t accept criticism. If you can, learn from it, but never trust it. The people who try to tear us down and manipulate our confidence are really struggling to find their own. Hey mister! I hope you find some…just leave your girl out of it. For enduring you, she’s already stronger. And for finishing the race, she has already proved you wrong. You go girl!

~Kelly